Friday, July 1, 2016

Words For B, part 1

This is the first of five pages of a letter to her,
"B". I will post each page separately as a way to 
set pace.  But know you must read all to grasp any.
I have been feeling like my voice has been lost, 
or not heard in this situation, so please feel
free to comment.... 
Oh sweet B, it is not OK for me to love you as I do when you can
not return the feeling, or tell me that in time you might.  I love
you completely as I do my little one.  I would do ANYTHING for you,
including everything I have done for her. I have always had a strong
link with my family, I know when they need me. What I feel for you is
nothing like that or includes that and a thousand times more depth.
I do not know a more intimate relationship then two people that can 
walk in each others mind.  Of all the people I have ever fucked or 
made love to, lil is the only one I have ever had that connection
with. That's what confuses me so. We have that....
It is becoming more and more obvious to me that you will never be 
able to see me as anything but a friend. I am a hopeless romantic,
and dream of us all sharing a glorious love. I know it is one 
possible future. I have seen many.  You and she can not be separated
without both of you feeling the loss forever.  It would be hell to 
repress your feelings, no reason either of you have to.
I have had to repress my sexuality as long as I have been with her.
I told you I ended a relationship because I felt lil's presence.
My ex's name is Rhonda, I never mention that name to lil because
it hurts her.  It hurts her because of all the things my beautiful
queen on her knees gives me she has never been able to give me what
Rhonda much sex as I can handle.  We were like rabbits,
3 times a day bare minimum totaling about 6 hours a day...every
day except weekends, then it was more like 12 hours a day minimum.
This lasted 4 years. Sex was the only thing we had, it was epic mind
blowing sex, but it was hollow....she had no mind, no energy. She was
completely submissive without either of us having a clue what bdsm 
was. There was no taking her “down”.  That's where she always was.
Now that is what you do for lil.  When ever she is alone with you, 
she is in space. But not sub space.  In the space she has with you 
she is “up”.  I have almost always had to put her through some 
form of cadence to get her down.  And I really should thank you. 
Since she has been with you, I have been able to experience her 
sexuality without having to put her “down”, it is a great feeling...
possibly the closest I have ever been to making love to her.  But 
that is your effect on her, not mine.
Maybe that is why I long to share everything love has to offer with 
you both. It has been our fantasy, for longer than either of us can 
remember, to share a woman in my bed.  She has a very explicit 
fantasy life, well in all fairness I should say had.  Now she can't 
have any fantasies that don't include you.  Which excludes me from my 
own fantasy because you cannot include me in your sex life.  But I 
digress. We have always wanted to share completely another female, to 
bring balance.  She can not receive softness from me, she needs my 
fierceness, my control, to be fucked and fucked just because I want 
her.  With you she GIVES softness. She can only receive from me, and 
can give only what I want, what I make her give.  I know you get 
squeamish when I talk about sex, so I will give a broad overview. 
Know that she desires all the pleasures that you and I could provide 
her together, if you can imagine any way that a man and a woman 
could satisfy another woman....she desires to receive it.  It is 
still there, she is just repressing it, because she is hopelessly 
in love with you....and you can not handle that thought, not even 
from her.
And why B?  She has told me that she feels if you didn't feel so 
strongly for her. You would not have a problem with it or would 
be able to do it. I watched you have the hots for one male and one 
female, besides lil, in the time I have known you. I asked you 
nicely to leave the male alone, because he is in a relationship. 
You told me “I know but I want him so bad.” But you tell me you lost 
attraction to the male form a year and a half ago. The female I have 
the hots for too, she is cute and I make her sparkle. Taste in women 
is another thing we have in common.  Why do I feel like if lil was 
sharing her bed with either of them you would not have a problem with 
sleeping with them both?  And yes she would fuck the male B, he 
reminds her of me when I was that age.  And if he were single, or his 
girl was down for a group thing, I would let her, because I would 
be there.

Words for B, part 2

I have no problem with the two of you being together. It comforts 
me greatly to know she gets something from you that is impossible 
for me to provide her.  And the thought of it really fucking turns 
me on...until I feel you not wanting me there.  Feeling like I am 
a Father figure to you.  Then I feel dirty, like a pedophile perving 
on teenage lovers in the park. And I don't think I deserve to feel 
like that, not with her. Not with the woman that I would and HAVE 
sacrificed everything to be with, to be there for.  B, I have 
promised her a thousand times that I would never let her have 
any sexual contact with another human being unless I was there, in 
control of the situation.  She begged me to make that promise every 
time I ever have.  Because she knows deep down she is a little slut, 
a whore.  They are words of power to her now, not shame.  She has 
felt ashamed of her sexuality every since that bastard's presence 
in her life. Then her first sexual experience was being raped by 
her best friend's older brother under the guise of just wanting her 
to be his girlfriend. She has never really gotten over that.
I helped her realize that every thought is OK, because it came from 
her.  She has such a strong sexuality that it pours out if not kept 
in check.  It scares her because she knows once unleashed she has no 
control over it.  So she gave me control.  For I love her more than 
she loves herself, for I love her more than I love myself...and I 
promised to never let her come to harm that I could prevent. To 
shelter her always.  To love her ALWAYS in ALL WAYS.
Believe it or not those last few promises are why I showed her you. 
And yes B, if I had told her that it wasn't OK, she would not have 
noticed, she to is naive with her hart. But I have always promised 
to put her happiness before my own. So I showed her how you felt. 
In all fairness it was not just for her.  We had already shared a 
few moments.  The first day I started thinking about you like that, 
you responded to my flirt.  I told you that safe words were for responded that you were a woman of your convictions, 
and you did not look at me or speak to me as a father figure. I was 
staring into your eyes every time you have said that to me.  You 
asked her if she thought it was wrong that you belonged with us.
I did not for a minute think that you would ask me to let my little 
one have an open relationship.  We are kinky as fuck, but neither of 
us has ever wanted to have a relationship without the other.  I have 
had the right to fuck anyone I want for a long time now, with or 
without her.  I have never exercised that privileged because I know 
it would hurt her if I was with another woman without her. TTWD is 
supposed to be about healing our damage, not causing more hurt.  The 
only reason I have ever considered taking a mistress is to be able 
to alleviate the pressure she feels to give more than her body can 
handle. Now I have another reason.
I have no problem with the two of you being together, it brings me 
great happiness until you block me out.  Then I feel jealous.  Not 
in the way you would think.  Not because she is cheating on me. 
Because she has you.  And I would be just as happy to be with you 
at that moment as she is.  But still I would want her there to 
experience it with me.  Anything I ever do is better if she is there. 
And she is an extremely jealous person in her own right.  Every woman 
that has ever presented themselves to me, she has rejected to share 
our bed...because they wanted me too much.  The only time she can 
accept it is when they are into her.
Once along time ago, there was one woman that we did sleep with one, 
that had already seduced me and broken my heart before I met lil, 
so it did not work well. And once there was one, that because of
circumstance, never happened.  Her name was Sunny. She was beautiful. 
She was sparkly. She lost herself in lil's eyes from across a room. 
I had finally gotten lil to agree to go flirt with her at work and 
set something up, she was supposed to talk to her the day she got ran 
into.  So we never pursued it any further, lil was injured and that 
was no longer important. Hadn't thought of it much since then, 
something that was never meant to be.  We found out today that Sunny 
died a couple of days ago from ovarian cancer. She was close to lil's 
age, maybe a year or two older.  I will always remember how she 
looked at lil, the same way you do.
It makes me sad because she was a beautiful soul.  It makes me sad 
because it was a love than never was given a never will 
be. And I don't want that to be the story between you and lil, even 
if it has to be the story between you and I.  I can be just your 
friend. A truer friend than you have ever had.  If that is all you 
are able to allow...I will not refuse it.  I need you in my life as 
much as she does. I do not want to loose you B.

Words for B, part 3

We are in a relationship B, the three of us.  When either of you 
hurt, I feel it. When it is I that have caused the is 
like emotional feedback, shattering everything in its' wake.  I 
can not cause either of you pain.  I need to be strong for her. 
She can not handle it when I am less than solid.  I will not 
compete with you, for there is no winning.  If I prevail it 
causes me pain greater than my own, for it means you have lost. 
If you prevail, I feel left out, lonely....still better than 
causing either of you pain.
I realized that the thing I am missing out on in this arrangement...
female energy, female desire.  I need to feel the look in a woman's 
eyes when she wants me to consume her.  I realized that is where my 
power comes from, I feed on it.  The very idea was enough for her to 
give me my words....when she is with you she will not submit without 
a fight.  When I ask her if she UNDERSTANDS something I have told 
her, she is always supposed to answer “Yes Master.”  She will only 
do it reluctantly when she is with you alone. But after I made the 
decision to take what I need, even if it is not from the two of you, 
she submitted without request.  She did everything she was supposed 
to in our communications, to receive a “good girl” from me.  She 
used to live to hear me give her those words. She even rushed home 
to make it before curfew.
That was the night you two had your talk...the one where you were 
asked to explain to her how life times of love were not as important 
as the morals you have learned in this one. How your vulnerabilities 
are more important to you than her love.  That night was probably 
the only time she has been able to be neutral in her stance between 
That night I had made the decision, before she returned to me, before 
she went to you, that if I was not going to get the energy I need 
from the two of you, I need to get it elsewhere, otherwise I will 
make us all miserable, and all I want for us is happiness. But she 
has something extra that I do not.  And until I get some balance I 
will always wonder what you two do together that is so spectacular 
that I am unworthy of even witnessing it. I will have to be sad as 
she moans all night while she dreams of you, dreams of the three of 
us together, while I try to figure out how to get on 
the same page with you.
I can not be jealous.  It will destroy my inner peace.  The peace 
that I have worked so hard to establish between she and I.  If I 
could think for one instant that you would be able to see me as more 
than a father figure eventually, I could wait a lifetime for your 
affection.  But alas even if you can feel that, I do not think you 
can speak those words.
So I think it will be best for us all if I take a mistress.  Someone 
to give me the passion that I am now devoid of, for it is all being 
consumed without me.  Someone that wants me to make love to them 
because I can make them cum until they are so dehydrated they can't 
see, can't talk.  A little bit of guilt to keep the jealousy away. 
Something to help me fill that void in myself that keeps me from 
being the person she needs me to be. That you need of me B.
I realize that will put the nail in the coffin of what could have 
been our space.  For no matter how much she loves me, needs me to be 
strong for her, me being with someone that is not you or she, will 
hurt her...and you will feel that hurt, and turn it into resentment 
for me, because I will have hurt the one you love most.

Words for B, part 4

Do you realize she harbors no jealousy towards us? We could 
lie in bed making love to each other beside her, and she 
would sleep like a baby, wouldn't even complain if we made 
too much noise.  If we woke her up because we were too vigorous 
she would wake with a smile, because the two people that she 
loves more than anything were making each other feel good. And 
if we had to be alone without her presence, she would feel the 
same...not jealousy, just joy that we were enjoying each other.
I can not dismiss the feeling of intimacy that I feel with you. 
To borrow your words, it is too powerful to ignore. B, when I 
look into your eyes, I feel your soul, it beckons to me.  We 
already have space together, you will not let yourself see it as 
such.  It is the reason your head begins to spin when we have 
those conversations.  The reason we can talk into the witching 
hour and feel that we have shared only but a moment.  The reason 
that when I caress your cheek, you fall into my touch, but have 
to hide your eyes from me.  The reason that when I put my arm 
around you to tell you how spectacular of a being you are, you 
do not pull away, yet lean into my embrace.
Space B, is powerful and overwhelming.  It is stepping into 
another dimension where we can experience simultaneously the 
physical realm and the ethereal.  That is why when you try to 
remember the experience it is like recalling a mushroom trip...
memories from an altered reality....the true reality.  For that 
space borders on all that is, most people's concept of heaven. 
And the three of us can be there instantly, that is our natural 
state.  It is the answer to the questions you refuse to ask 
yourself. It is the question itself.
Our space is so much different than what you and she, or she and 
I have.  It does not have the same passion, it is peaceful and 
calm....the most soothing place I have ever touched.  I know you 
feel it, but you tell me that it is only deep friendship.  It is 
friendship and so much more B, I wish you would step outside 
yourself for a moment and look at it, feel it, ask yourself why 
it feels so much different than anything you have felt before. 
I have asked that question a thousand times.
You B are balance, you stand in the center and hold two different 
things equally. Within this is harmony. I feel it when we are all 
together, and you are more concerned with you and I than you and 
she at the moment. We just are without definition, and it is 
incredible.  I wake up intoxicated, and the feeling does not pass 
all day.  And somehow that feeling scares you, immediately after 
we share space like that, you run away.  I feel you make distance, 
you retreat into the passion you have for her, and put distance 
between you and I. And inevitably you put the fatherly figure thing 
between us.
That thing about me being your mentor, a father figure.  Knowing 
that is your limiting factor tears me up.  It creates a barrier 
that you will not cross.  It makes the same kind of distance between 
us as when little one used to go away when I was making love to her. 
You have no idea how cold and lonely that place is.  It feels like 
raping your own soul.  And every time you tell me that I am a father 
figure to you it puts me in that place.
She is all things to me, and I to her.  She has all those feelings 
for me that you have.  I am a father figure to her, that is why she 
bore my children.  I am the older brother that she always wanted. I 
am the best friend she can tell anything to without fear of judgment. 
But I am so much more to her, as I could be for you.

Words for B, part 5

But you can not, or will not let yourself see beyond your limits. 
And in doing so, you must have her all to yourself to be in space 
with her.  I told you I could happily let that happen, if I had an 
invitation to join, if only once.  I fear that invitation will 
never come.  I feel your need to be with her. It has been three 
weeks and you can only go two before your need for intimacy rises 
to the surface. She to feels it.  That is why she moaned all night 
after falling asleep with distance between us.  That is why when I 
went down on her while she slept she reveled in it, because in her 
dream it was you making love to her.  That is why she could not make 
herself ask for permission to cum, but wanted to badly.  And that is 
why I saw disappointment in her eyes as I slid myself into her....and 
felt her slip away to that cold place.  After I was finished she 
drifted back to sleep and began to moan for you.
I can't even fantasize about the two of you because she will not 
let me posses her when she is with you.  So I feel left out. And 
that shit hurts B.  More than I can tell you.  To have my little 
one shut out her desire for me to be with her always, because your 
vulnerabilities are more important to you than either of our hearts. 
That you shut me out of what should be our experience.
I love you completely, so much so that I need to satisfy your 
desires however I can.  That means sending her to you because you 
need her.  That means sending her to you because she needs you. 
That is not sharing that is me giving to both of you.
And I find myself now at a loss for words.  Where do we go from
here?  Do we work together to give her El Mundo Bueno or do we allow
the distance between us to create El Mundo Malo in some way for us 
The choice is yours to make B, as it always has been.  You have
been trying so fucking hard, it does show, I can feel it B.
Deep down I feel you want the same as I, a blissful harmonious 
existence.  That is possible, but it will not come without work
on all of our parts, mostly you and I.  I pledge to you all of 
myself, all that I have and ever will be.  You can accept as 
much as I can give, or as much as you can handle.  I don't even
need your answers, I need the questions that you used to arrive at 
your answers.  I need that two way street of communication, without 
limit...your first thought, not your distilled meaning.  If you can 
not ask those questions alone, allow one or both of us to help you.
We all need each other B.  We must find a way to make this work
so we stop sharing pain, and start experiencing Joy together.
I will leave you for now with more words of yours that I have
commandeered. All that have we have been going through, what we are 
tying to make since of can all be summed up in one word: "Love".

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Seduce enchant, to put under one's spell.  Now that the first two steps are in place, the check made, the place known and occupied....the fun begins.  As the enchantment grows, so deepens the submission.  The need to please is intensified. The need for self gratification replaced by a urge to please.  The daunting reality that if the Dom is not pleased the sub can not experience pleasure. The replacement of self with selflessness.

The part chemical, one part physical, two parts ethereal (spiritual, electrical, transcendence, insert synonym).  The stuff fairy tales are made of.  This, in its best form, is a two way street.  Co-dependence in its best form. Like getting lost in a good book and never wanting the end to come.  Until the story becomes life itself.  Some strange episode of The Twilight Zone, where your narrator is standing right in front of you.

Seduction, can be long and drawn out, or instant as in the electric look from across the room, cutting through the air, teleporting each party instantaneously into their own private version of space.  Slowing  down time, and the universe itself.  Like the onset of a powerful drug....hardly noticeable at first, hard to handle at the peak and next to impossible to leave in the end.

Seduction, where infatuation transforms into overwhelming consumption of all that is and will ever be.  Laying the foundation for that place where time is erroneous and space is malleable.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Dominate overwhelm.  To be larger than life such that all else pales, nay shrinks, in comparison.  The way our Sun dominates our solar system.  Looking at the planets themselves, is a truly massive undertaking.  Think of it,  rocks are small, boulders are big, mountains are massive, continents enormous, they all join together to make a planet that is in and of itself everything to so many.  Yet it is but a mere speck in comparison to the overwhelming presence of the sun.  The sun, that if not kept in check by the forces of the universe, would burn so intensely as to consume all in its path,  or at least near proximity.  But then again is there anything more humble than the sun.  Never wanting, always giving, providing for so many with no expectation of return. exert force of will.  This is almost never well received as force of body, yet mind.  Let's take the all too common "Get on you knees slut" approach into consideration.  Not to say that it doesn't have it place.  But is far to often used without a CHECK in place.  This can be quite effective, but only if proper binding is in place.  That is it only works if the sub is wanting of moving to the next step, submission.  If not it leads to issues.  Issues of questions like "Why should I?"

In my experience,  some of the most dominate forces, should I say personality's that I have encountered have been the most humble.  Those who lead by example and expect no one to follow,  but are welcoming and helpful of all that do.  People that do not have to utter a word to fill the room with their overwhelming presence.  People that can put you in you place with a simple LOOK.  Yet with a smile make YOU feel larger than life.  And that is, for me, what ttwd is all about.  EMPOWERMENT.  Through being strong, you gain the luxury to be week;  through complete submission you may gain the exhilaration of being truly powerful.

In the presence of a true dominating force, there is one thing and one thing only TRUTH.  For this overwhelming force can see instantly through the haze of bullshit we all create around ourselves.  This leads to a sense of need.... Need to be completely honest and forthcoming.  After all we all want to make pretty the truth,  but none want to get caught in the shame of a lie.  And the wost lies of all are the ones we tell ourselves.