Friday, July 1, 2016

Words for B, part 2

I have no problem with the two of you being together. It comforts 
me greatly to know she gets something from you that is impossible 
for me to provide her.  And the thought of it really fucking turns 
me on...until I feel you not wanting me there.  Feeling like I am 
a Father figure to you.  Then I feel dirty, like a pedophile perving 
on teenage lovers in the park. And I don't think I deserve to feel 
like that, not with her. Not with the woman that I would and HAVE 
sacrificed everything to be with, to be there for.  B, I have 
promised her a thousand times that I would never let her have 
any sexual contact with another human being unless I was there, in 
control of the situation.  She begged me to make that promise every 
time I ever have.  Because she knows deep down she is a little slut, 
a whore.  They are words of power to her now, not shame.  She has 
felt ashamed of her sexuality every since that bastard's presence 
in her life. Then her first sexual experience was being raped by 
her best friend's older brother under the guise of just wanting her 
to be his girlfriend. She has never really gotten over that.
I helped her realize that every thought is OK, because it came from 
her.  She has such a strong sexuality that it pours out if not kept 
in check.  It scares her because she knows once unleashed she has no 
control over it.  So she gave me control.  For I love her more than 
she loves herself, for I love her more than I love myself...and I 
promised to never let her come to harm that I could prevent. To 
shelter her always.  To love her ALWAYS in ALL WAYS.
Believe it or not those last few promises are why I showed her you. 
And yes B, if I had told her that it wasn't OK, she would not have 
noticed, she to is naive with her hart. But I have always promised 
to put her happiness before my own. So I showed her how you felt. 
In all fairness it was not just for her.  We had already shared a 
few moments.  The first day I started thinking about you like that, 
you responded to my flirt.  I told you that safe words were for responded that you were a woman of your convictions, 
and you did not look at me or speak to me as a father figure. I was 
staring into your eyes every time you have said that to me.  You 
asked her if she thought it was wrong that you belonged with us.
I did not for a minute think that you would ask me to let my little 
one have an open relationship.  We are kinky as fuck, but neither of 
us has ever wanted to have a relationship without the other.  I have 
had the right to fuck anyone I want for a long time now, with or 
without her.  I have never exercised that privileged because I know 
it would hurt her if I was with another woman without her. TTWD is 
supposed to be about healing our damage, not causing more hurt.  The 
only reason I have ever considered taking a mistress is to be able 
to alleviate the pressure she feels to give more than her body can 
handle. Now I have another reason.
I have no problem with the two of you being together, it brings me 
great happiness until you block me out.  Then I feel jealous.  Not 
in the way you would think.  Not because she is cheating on me. 
Because she has you.  And I would be just as happy to be with you 
at that moment as she is.  But still I would want her there to 
experience it with me.  Anything I ever do is better if she is there. 
And she is an extremely jealous person in her own right.  Every woman 
that has ever presented themselves to me, she has rejected to share 
our bed...because they wanted me too much.  The only time she can 
accept it is when they are into her.
Once along time ago, there was one woman that we did sleep with one, 
that had already seduced me and broken my heart before I met lil, 
so it did not work well. And once there was one, that because of
circumstance, never happened.  Her name was Sunny. She was beautiful. 
She was sparkly. She lost herself in lil's eyes from across a room. 
I had finally gotten lil to agree to go flirt with her at work and 
set something up, she was supposed to talk to her the day she got ran 
into.  So we never pursued it any further, lil was injured and that 
was no longer important. Hadn't thought of it much since then, 
something that was never meant to be.  We found out today that Sunny 
died a couple of days ago from ovarian cancer. She was close to lil's 
age, maybe a year or two older.  I will always remember how she 
looked at lil, the same way you do.
It makes me sad because she was a beautiful soul.  It makes me sad 
because it was a love than never was given a never will 
be. And I don't want that to be the story between you and lil, even 
if it has to be the story between you and I.  I can be just your 
friend. A truer friend than you have ever had.  If that is all you 
are able to allow...I will not refuse it.  I need you in my life as 
much as she does. I do not want to loose you B.

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