Do you realize she harbors no jealousy towards us? We could
lie in bed making love to each other beside her, and she
would sleep like a baby, wouldn't even complain if we made
too much noise. If we woke her up because we were too vigorous
she would wake with a smile, because the two people that she
loves more than anything were making each other feel good. And
if we had to be alone without her presence, she would feel the
same...not jealousy, just joy that we were enjoying each other.
I can not dismiss the feeling of intimacy that I feel with you.
To borrow your words, it is too powerful to ignore. B, when I
look into your eyes, I feel your soul, it beckons to me. We
already have space together, you will not let yourself see it as
such. It is the reason your head begins to spin when we have
those conversations. The reason we can talk into the witching
hour and feel that we have shared only but a moment. The reason
that when I caress your cheek, you fall into my touch, but have
to hide your eyes from me. The reason that when I put my arm
around you to tell you how spectacular of a being you are, you
do not pull away, yet lean into my embrace.
Space B, is powerful and overwhelming. It is stepping into
another dimension where we can experience simultaneously the
physical realm and the ethereal. That is why when you try to
remember the experience it is like recalling a mushroom trip...
memories from an altered reality....the true reality. For that
space borders on all that is, most people's concept of heaven.
And the three of us can be there instantly, that is our natural
state. It is the answer to the questions you refuse to ask
yourself. It is the question itself.
Our space is so much different than what you and she, or she and
I have. It does not have the same passion, it is peaceful and
calm....the most soothing place I have ever touched. I know you
feel it, but you tell me that it is only deep friendship. It is
friendship and so much more B, I wish you would step outside
yourself for a moment and look at it, feel it, ask yourself why
it feels so much different than anything you have felt before.
I have asked that question a thousand times.
You B are balance, you stand in the center and hold two different
things equally. Within this is harmony. I feel it when we are all
together, and you are more concerned with you and I than you and
she at the moment. We just are without definition, and it is
incredible. I wake up intoxicated, and the feeling does not pass
all day. And somehow that feeling scares you, immediately after
we share space like that, you run away. I feel you make distance,
you retreat into the passion you have for her, and put distance
between you and I. And inevitably you put the fatherly figure thing
That thing about me being your mentor, a father figure. Knowing
that is your limiting factor tears me up. It creates a barrier
that you will not cross. It makes the same kind of distance between
us as when little one used to go away when I was making love to her.
You have no idea how cold and lonely that place is. It feels like
raping your own soul. And every time you tell me that I am a father
figure to you it puts me in that place.
She is all things to me, and I to her. She has all those feelings
for me that you have. I am a father figure to her, that is why she
bore my children. I am the older brother that she always wanted. I
am the best friend she can tell anything to without fear of judgment.
But I am so much more to her, as I could be for you.